Praise That Builds Grit (Not Just Good Behaviour)

We all want our children to be confident, kind, and capable of bouncing back when things get hard. But how we praise them plays a powerful role in shaping whether they grow into people who seek challenges—or shrink from them.

Too often, praise focuses only on outcomes or obedience:

“Good job!”

“You’re so smart!”

“Thanks for listening!”

While these phrases sound encouraging, research shows that the wrong kind of praise can actually reduce motivation over time. So how can we praise our kids in ways that build grit, resilience, and a love for learning?

1. Praise the Process, Not the Person

Stanford psychologist Dr. Carol Dweck famously coined the terms fixed mindset and growth mindset. Her research found that praising children for being “smart” often leads them to avoid hard tasks—for fear of losing that label.

Instead, praise their effort, strategy, or persistence:

• “You really focused hard on that!”

  
  

• “I saw how you kept trying, even when it was tough.”

  
  

• “That was a clever way to solve the problem.”

  
  

2. Be Specific, Not General

General praise like “good job” can feel vague or dismissive. Kids don’t always know what was good or why it mattered.

Instead, try descriptive praise:

“You cleaned up without being asked—that really helped our family.”

“You showed kindness by letting your sister go first.”

“You practiced that word five times—I saw your progress.”

This reinforces positive behaviours and makes children more likely to repeat them—not for approval, but because they feel meaningful.

3. Praise for Struggle, Not Just Success

It’s tempting to reserve praise for winning moments: a high score, a polished project, a neat room. But grit grows when we help kids see value in the struggle itself.

Try phrases like:

• “This was hard—and you didn’t give up.”

  
  

• “I know it didn’t work the first time, but you stayed with it.”

  
  

• “Mistakes are how we learn. What did you notice this time?”

  
  

This models resilience and teaches that failure is part of growth, not a reason to stop trying.

4. Keep Praise Honest and Balanced

Kids can sense insincerity. Overpraising can lead to pressure, self-doubt, or even resistance. Focus on authentic moments that reflect real effort or improvement.

Too much praise can also create dependency. Mix in questions like:

• “How did that feel?”

  
  

• “What part are you most proud of?”

  
  

• “What would you do differently next time?”

  
  

This helps children internalize motivation instead of seeking constant approval.

5. Praise That Builds Character

Grit isn’t just about effort—it’s about values like courage, patience, and purpose. Look for moments to praise character over compliance:

• “You told the truth even though it was hard—that took bravery.”

  
  

• “You waited your turn patiently. That shows self-control.”

  
  

• “You kept working toward your goal. That’s what perseverance looks like.”

  
  

Over time, this kind of praise builds a child’s inner compass, not just their outer behavior.

When you praise your child, are you reinforcing who they are—or who they’re becoming through effort, reflection, and choice? Let us know in the comments below.